Dear Person on Christmas Card List,

As 2009 draws to a close, we find ourselves reflecting upon the highlights of the year. And, since we’re spending the money on postage ANYWAY, we thought we’d take the opportunity to share with you, the people whose addresses we have, some important milestones our family has reached or fallen short of reaching.

As many of you know, Brett was crazy enough to uproot his whole family at the beginning of the year for a 5 month stay in rural Pennsylvania. Boy, was that a good time! It’s not every day that you have to shovel coal to keep the heat going or listen to someone tell you that you’re destined for Hell. Since coming back, Brett has busted his ass, taking any job available to provide for his family (and keep him out of the house away from his crying kids and bitching wife as long as possible). He is still not smoking, and for those of you counting, that’s 7 years now, although, he does currently have a $50 a week Nicorette habit. Maybe 2010 starts the Decade of the Patch??? Goooooo Brett!

Liz has had the pleasure of being a full-time stay at home mommy for a whopping 7 months now! After a brief adjustment period during which she realized any dreams she had should be shelved (perhaps permanently) she has settled in and found a real rhythm to her monotonous, repetitive days. She’s been fortunate enough to get to know nearly every associate at our local grocery store, and is no longer frightened by her feelings of rage. Her crowning achievement from 2009 was quitting biting her nails. Great. In 2010, she hopes to shower at least once every other day and blow dry her hair at least once a week.

Once back in Massachusetts, Will was ready to enjoy Spring and he knew that it sure as shit wasn’t going to happen on training wheels. So, with a big push from his dad, he was off and riding. And, after proclaiming he had “the heart of a warrior”, we decided it was time to get him into some true Kung-Fu shit. He now proudly rocks his ORANGE belt and he will fuck you up. He also completed swimming lessons at disgusting Centennial Beach, and we’re proud to say that he didn’t even get a little sick when they shut the beach down for high levels of bacteria during his sessions. In September, he started his Pre-K class, and has already passed his first head-lice check with flying colors.
Favorite Quotes from this Year: “Want to see how a dog pees?”, “You have hair in your nose. That’s weird.”, and “Is that a boy or a girl?” (During Michael Jackson’s funeral).

Reserved and well mannered for the first year of his life, Sam’s personality has really started to become much more clear since we’ve been back home. Obsessed with blocks and organizing his stuffed animals, he’s a fucking psychopath who will probably kill us all one day. A daredevil by nature, he is typically found hanging from light fixtures, jumping off tables, or, literally climbing the walls.

This summer, Ben underwent surgery to release his tongue tie, a birth defect typically found in babies whose mothers abuse cocaine. Our goal was to prevent any speech development issues. Goal reached; he is now talking up a storm, uttering such precious phrases like, “I do that.”, “One more.”, and “Get out.”. It did not, however, do anything to soften his cry which is best described as a screeching mountain lion. He loves tractors and fire engines.

After being ridiculed by an overweight teen mother in spandex while in a store parking lot, we decided it was time to take away the twins’ pacifiers. It went relatively smooth, although we are still dealing with daily naptime and nightly bedtime disturbances, which we have lovingly named The Teddy Bear Resistance. During these mini-revolts, each and every single stuffed animal, blanket, toy, and book is thrown into a huge pile on the floor, where they lay together in peaceful sleep resistance while Ben and Sam repeatedly jump out of their cribs. After many failed “Do It Yourself” experiments, we broke down and ordered crib tents, which are best described as expensive mesh jail cells for your little ones’ crib.

So, we’ve made it through 2009 the only way we could. By uttering that annoying phrase, “It could always be worse”. Of course. Here’s hoping that 2010 isn’t!

-The Jackson 5
Brett, Liz, Will, Sam, and Ben